Jun. 25th, 2012

Guilt

Jun. 25th, 2012 12:17 pm
sirius20_81: (Default)
So, I’m waiting on availability for a doctor appointment to get a referral for counseling. in the mean time this will have to do, please forgive any punctuation/capitalization/general grammar errors.

last year i was pregnant. chris and i had been trying for 5 years to have another baby. we wanted a little girl. at the first ultrasound we got our wish. there she was, a tiny little girl.

with a hole in her diaphragm. so we saw specialists and neonatologists. we toured the NICU. she and i had an MRI. we were given 50/50 odds. the OB/GYN had us come in every week to check her growth. it was good, it was normal, in fact she was a little large, but the hole was still there. we made arrangements for child care so i could be with her, for at least a while, every day she was going to be in the hospital after birth. the decision was made to have a c-section to best control all the variables of delivery, and so they could stabalize her for transfer to the NICU as soon as possible. the day finally came. as i lay on the table, the last 5 months of abject terror washed over me. and then i heard her cry. and at that moment i was filled with peace.

then they rushed her out of the room. they stitched me up and took me to recovery. in my morphine haze i said to chris “i hope she’s ok”. about 10 minutes later one of the neonatologists came in. “she’s not doing well. we’re going to try for another few minutes, but at this point she’s just suffering. any longer and there will be irreparable brain damage”. then they brought her to me. my beautiful daughter. and she died in my arms.

ever since then i’ve been dealing with the crushing guilt. i’ve questioned EVERY DECISION I’VE EVER MADE. because what if that one time i did that thing, something inside me broke and because of that i killed my child. that’s the thought i live with every day. I KILLED MY CHILD. because of me, and my body’s inability to do what it was DESIGNED to do, my daughter is dead. i couldn’t do something women do accidentally on a daily basis. i made her wrong. and because i made her wrong, she never even got the chance to live. i ripped a hole in my family. we will never be complete. there’s always going to be a chunk missing. and i’m always going to blame myself.

it’s been almost 7 months since her birthday. the doctors have cleared me to try again. and i want to. i’m worried that people will see this as me trying to replace her. nothing is going to replace my little Leelu Shea. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER. she will always be my daughter. and if i do get pregnant again, i’m going to be terrified of this happening. even though it had staggering odds the first time.

but so many other things can go wrong. i’m trying to clean myself up before we actually start trying, so that i know that i did everything i possibly could to give this child the best chance. i’ve quit smoking. i haven’t had a drink since new years. i’ve (mostly) cleaned up my diet. i’ve started a workout program. i’ve also started taking my prenatal vitamins again. i hate feeling that i’m going to have to justify myself to people. but i also hate feeling that if something does go wrong, i don’t know if i’ll be able to handle it. i still live with the fear that, someday, chris will start to blame me as well, and he’ll leave me. and worse, i fear he would take our son with him.

so please. understand. i love her. i miss her. i take the blame for her not being here. but i need to move on, or i’m going to wallow and suffocate from the guilt and fear. i’m stuck in my own swamp of sadness, and i refuse to go down like artax.

it’s time for me to try again. and if it’s not meant to be, i’m fine with that.

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